Puremud's Perfect Prank
by Unique .F
Summary: 150th Reviewer Challenge- prompt, "Narcissa/Regulus/Lily". When Lily and two Slytherins decide to team up to prank the entire school, the wizarding world had better watch out...


**I'm sorry this is such a **** puremud scene. It didn't want to be written. I had no idea what to do. So I made it up, hence why it's so ****.**

"I don't need help from a filthy little Mudblood like her!"

Everything went silent.

It was as if a giant opened his eyes and roared within Lily's heart; his roaring was the rushing noise in her ears, his thudding steps the bounding of her heart, the great ox-hide drum he beat and the discordant cowbells he rang the hornet's nest of thoughts that grabbed at her brain.

She felt as if she had been torn asunder by the angry giant; a giant of selfishness, spite, misbegotten friendship born and forged in the hatred of nurturing bigotry and war. She had been torn- her skin split like a ripe berry, and the stains on her soul- nay! The stains in her very blood, so viciously, so callously, so cruelly, screamed out in '"Mudblood!"'

By one she had loved, dearly, as her own brother! The giant thundering in her body drew lines of war paint in her retaliation, heated fires and boiling pitch behind her eyes. The gathering anger, a terrible combination of fear, hurt, rage, snapped out, created one massive, powerful, and vicious outcry, "Really? Oh, and Snivellus, better wash your pants."

It was then she turned, then she allowed the bellowing of the giant's cries to drown out the laughter of the Marauders, of their audience, and ran for the castle.

Her hair whipped out behind her like snakes of fire. Snake! Another unhappy comparison. Was she full of them? Indeed, did her end lay here, disguised in the hopelessness and pain of the break?

No, she thought to herself, no. I am not that girl. I knew this would come; yea, I prepared for it. I always knew; that unhappy harbinger of pain, that angry giant, was waiting to awaken his fury in my heart.

The anger that had propped her up failed her, and Lily collapsed, equal parts voluntary and by accident, upon the cold stone floor.

_I languish here, _she thought, _I allow myself time to break. _And break she did.

Lily wept for what seemed like aeons; it was no pretty, neat crying, but messy, gulping heaves of sadness, hot, salty tears splashing onto the unforgiving floor she had thought to seek solace in. Yet none was to be found there. The very unyielding strength she had always admired felt wraith and insubstantial to her, as if someone had cast an illusion over her eyes and a breath of wind had blown it all away.

Exposing her to the harshness of reality, she supposed, but what a cruel reality! _Oh dreamer! Do not fall in love with the dream!_ She cried to herself, _Oh Severus! Dreaming-Severus, whom I always would retreat to, did I cast your guise upon this friend of mine, till he saw fit to whip the rug from my feet? How could I have been fooled by such a dream? A pointless, foolish dream! Of a brother, long lost, never found!_

_I lost him the day the Sorting Hat touched his head,_ Lily thought, in a moment of crystal clear clarity._ I knew he was gone then even more surely than I do now._

That caused only a fresh wave of despair.

Many hours later- though they seemed anguish-filled minutes- were it not for the growing discomfort her seat was giving, she would not notice the time passing at all.

Yet eventually, Lily could mourn her friend no more, and reconcile him to the image of the Death-Eater she knew he would, and to a lesser extent, already had, become. Death-Eater! No, Death-Bringer, to all those whom they disagreed with. And Lily was one of them, to think she had been naive enough to believe her friendship was enough to stem him from the dark calling! He had always been such a black child.

She crouched there, like an animal, and finally recognised her surroundings. It almost made her laugh.

She was in the Slytherin dungeons, close to the Common Room Sev had shown her once in a fit of equality. It seemed in her despair, she had run to the very lair of her enemy!

The walls were dank, dark and cold, and Lily was stiff and uncomfortable for her curled position. By the report of a tempus charm, it was way past not only dinner but curfew as well. No doubt Alice and Marlene had gone insane with worry about her whereabouts.

"Dear Cousin, do you see what I see?"

The voice was soft, but it startled Lily, and she jumped and squeaked, flying to her feet. Her back was against the wall. She scanned the shadows, but whoever was there, they did not reveal themselves to her searching eye.

"I do indeed, sweet Cousin of mine, a little lost lion, come to play with the big bad snakes," came another voice, recognisably male, mocking, dark.

"Who's there?" Lily called, trying to muster her bravery.

A figure made itself known in the faint light emitted from a greenish lantern set within the wall a little way up. "It speaks!" he cried, with a slow, mocking clap. "Little lost lion, so brave..."

"Oh, hush, Regulus, you're scaring her," came the other voice, and forward stepped a recognisable face. Narcissa Black, sixth year Slytherin.

Lily's heart thudded in her chest with fear. She had no doubt this was going to be a pleasant encounter.

Regulus stepped forward- fourth year, Slytherin, the year below her. She knew him vaguely- Sev had pointed him out to her once. '"That's Sirius' brother,"' he had muttered in undertone, '"Regulus Black."'

Regulus walked forward and placed a hand on the wall. He leaned forward and placed his other hand on the wall, so he was trapping her in. Lily stared into his dark eyes with no small amount of trepidation.

Narcissa grinned and joined in at Regulus' shoulder, placing one hand upon her cousin's shoulder and one on Lily's. "Don't worry, little lion," the Blacks promised in unison, "These big bad snakes will watch out for you."

Little did they know, it was the start of a relationship that rocked the wizarding world...

((()))

Several days later, Lily, Regulus and Narcissa were meeting. Or rather, Regulus and Narcissa had stalked Lily until she was alone and then pulled her into a dark broom closet.

Whilst Lily yelped in fear at having been accosted by some random Slytherins, Narcissa checked the coast was clear and then joined them.

It was a very friendly squeeze. Lily had to wriggle most determinedly to free her wand to cast a swift _"Lumos", _thus identifying her attackers.

"You!" she hissed angrily.

"Us," purred Regulus. He leered at her.

"What do you want?" Lily demanded.

"Your help," Narcissa breathed. Lily looked at the blonde. She was smirking, and both Slytherins seemed unabashed at the lack of space.

"Is this normal for you guys?" The redhead asked uncomfortably.

"What?" Regulus looked puzzled.

"Abducting people into broom closets."

"Of course," Narcissa said, dreamily, "That Lucius Malfoy..."

Lily cringed.

Regulus muttered something that sounded like _"He's gay."_

Lily found herself flushing. "Umm, each to their own," she said.

"It's a shame he isn't interested," Narcissa sighed. "Our children would look incredible."

"Please!" said Lily, "he'd look like a blond ferret."

"I agree with you sister," Regulus nodded.

"Hah, like Potter and Lily's would!"

There was a long silence.

Then Lily said, "Let's never mention that again."

Narcissa nodded swiftly. "Ever."

"Let's get on to the ravishing," Regulus said impatiently. "We want you to help us prank the school."

"Ravishing?" squeaked Lily.

"Why yes, of course," Narcissa said, affecting a surprised air, but Lily could see the teasing in her eyes, "Just pretend the Gryffindor golden girl is going out, collectively, with two Slytherins. Blacks, no less."

Lily thought about it, and then grinned, wickedly.

"Potter'll have a heart attack!"

"He might leave her alone then."

"Don't look too hopeful, little lost Lilykins."

"_Don't call me that!"_

((()))

Poor, poor, poor James Potter, Lily thought, quite wickedly. She was desperate to have some form of revenge against the arrogant prat. He'd tried to touch her up yesterday. Unobtrusively, of course.

Did he not understand she was already owned?

Lily huffed a sigh, wondering where her two Slytherins were.

She was standing outside the door to the Great Hall, all set to put their plan into action. As directed and aided by Narcissa, she was dressed in clothes the previous Lily Evans of Gryffindor would have never thought to wear- tight jeans, a tight blouse in Slytherin green, green eyeshadow, a large, ostentatious pendant displaying the Black crest, two rings on her left ring finger, high heels, and long, flowing silver robes similar to classic bridal style.

The entire outfit was engineered to remind everyone simultaneously of the Blacks, Slytherin, and marriage. Along with the acting, and it should go down perfectly.

At last, the Black cousins turned up.

They were together, as always, in robes that equally complimented each other. Narcissa's long blond hair was brushed to a silky hue, and was woven in an intricate manner reminiscent of a crown. She had donned eyeshadow similar to Lily's, only in a shade more acceptable with her grey eyes, and had paled her face with foundation to make her lips, painted ruby red, look all the darker. The faintly vampiric look was all intended, of course.

Regulus was playing pureblood lord to the hilt. Heavy signet rings, proud and haughty expression, waves of silky black hair just brushing his snowy white collar, and a silver circlet resting on his brow, set with a sea green gem. He was wearing the black in the style of a bridgegroom, whilst Narcissa went with the more feminine bridal style.

"Ready to give Albus Dumbledore a heart attack?" Regulus asked his Gryffindor friend mischeviously.

"Of course, ready when you are," Lily said, excitedly.

Regulus proffered his arms, ensuring to keep Lily on the left so she would have to cross in front of both of them to get to the Gryffindor table. Narcissa took the right.

The doors swung open- courtesy of a disguised house elf- and the trio made their way down the center of the hall, discussing in loud, posh voices.

"But Cissa, dearest!" Lily exclaimed, aware of every eye in the hall turning to her, "Peach would just _not _do! I _must _have the right flowers for our wedding! It just would not look right!"  
"My darlings, you would look radiant in anything you picked," Regulus told them, turning devoted eyes on them both.

Narcissa preened. "Oh, do stop your teasing, my loves! Of course, sweet Lily, we shall have our flowers. Silver and green colour scheme?"

"But of course!" Lily cried in fake delight, "But those are the best colours!"

"Marriage?" Dumbledore called from the head table. "That's going a bit far, Miss Evans, Miss Black, Mr Black?"

Lily and Narcissa gasped in perfect unison, laying their hands upon their stomachs. "Surely-" Narcissa began.

"-you are not-"

"-suggesting-"

"-that we-"

"-give our own-"

"-flesh and blood-"  
"-up?"

"What?" Sirius Black, now.

"Why," Lily said, in affront, "We're pregnant, of course."

Dumbledore choked on a lemon drop. Severus turned the colour of sour milk. The Gryffindors gaped in horror.

As for James Potter?

James Potter fainted dead away.


End file.
